weaknesses and fig leaves

Ever since finishing the hunger games series, I've been torn between wanting to flip through the pages of 1776 and uncovering little nuggets of historical obscurities or continue through Why Guys Need God, which I'm told (by the back cover) will help me understand myself better (and my people), but will obviously lack the little morsels of historical pleasures. On Monday, I ended up being indecicive, watched the new episode of community, then dived into both, secretly hoping that my week would be free enough to be able to finish off the duo.

Incidentally, this week has turned out to be a pretty weird and particularly difficult week for me. The first two days have been some of the worst days at work I've encountered in at least a few months. It's just been one weird issue after another. Then, on wednesday morning I learn that my grandpa, who has been in and out of the hospital for the last few months, has not been doing well, so I'm on my way to Beijing on Sunday. On the bright side, he got baptized a few weeks ago in his hospital bed, so that's always a praise and prayer request answered. My fondest memory of my grandpa was always going to hongkou park in the afternoons to walk around the lake and look at the leaves. Going back this time around, I'm just not sure i'm prepared to see him in this state.

I don't know if many people know this, but I tend to horse around a lot. At times, when I don't want confrontation or tension or pain, I've tried to diffuse certain situations with (sometimes off-color) humor so that people will lighten up. Some of my friends, and occasionally my boss, will point this out to me. Yea...I guess I'm working on it. In chapter two of Mike Erre's book, he discusses the masks guys hide behind. We (guys) tend to try to find an escape, rather than dealing with life's difficulties (I guess i'm not alone?). I suppose that's why a lot of guys hit the bottle in an attempt to flee their problems. Even more simply ignore their problem and go about with a façade, as if nothing's wrong.

I do this (not hit the bottle, but the other thing). Many times I hide instead of stepping forward, avoid instead of owning. It's easy to deal with the superficial problems and shy away from the real ones. Many of the images I grew up with of great, tough men, are what I would see in pop culture. Denzel Washington is very good at portraying this kind of guy, the internally conflicted but I'm invincible on the outside character. This is often what society's definition of a manly man is: never admit or show weakness, keep it deep down and tucked away, and only show your strong exterior. This is what years of TV and movies and other stuff have drilled into my head, except, this image doesn't jive with what the bible says. Paul embraced his weakness:

I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:5-10)

At the time of Paul's conversion, God chose not to use Paul's strengths. As a matter of fact, in Acts 22, Paul recounts how was ready to use his Jerusalem connections for God, after all, he knew all the major players in the Jewish religious and political scene, but God had other plans for him. God sent him elsewhere, where any benefit of Paul's previous life, any advantages that may have carried, would be useless. God sent him far away to the gentiles. This is the paradoxical truth of what men should strive for: to delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. I think this is what the author refers to when he describes the goodness of thorns. Our weakness compels us to drop the façade (what he likens to fig leaves), and face life's difficulties as they are.

As I'm preparing for my trip, I know everything I need to do from a logistical standpoint (what to pack, how to get from the airport to my grandpa's place, etc), but I'm having trouble preparing myself mentally and emotionally for this next week. I don't know what to expect, how to handle things when I get there. I have the weekend (with the acacia retreat) before heading out to SFO, but that's pretty much it. With that and an eleven hour flight, I hope I can prepare myself at least a little bit. As I look over the blog-post from the last time I went to visit him, the same comforting verse re-established itself in my mind:

From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. (Psalm 61:2)