50 beans | disaster myopia

I think I may have earned myself a lifetime ban from Temple Café on 9th and Jst.

I suppose I should probably elaborate. I went down to Temple this morning to get a Guatemalan pour-over. I asked for a bit of room for cream and sugar as I quite enjoy this aspect of coffee. I waited patiently as the lady behind the counter carefully poured 207°F water over carefully ground Guatemalan beans. She looked at me with a stern please be patient or you will never get to know what this magnificent coffee will taste like look as she rotated the hario long-stemmed kettle over the coffee. It was quite a tantalizing wait. The barista then brought the coffee over to me with a lid and pointed me in the direction of the cream and sugar, all the while probably silently judging and thinking what kind of poindexter puts cream and sugar in their coffee?

I walked over to the cream and sugar stand and proceeded to pour a bit of cream into the cup. I then continued on to the sugar, which wasn’t really there. Dumbstruck (for just a second), I looked around before I realized that Temple makes simple syrup (equal parts sugar and water) for you to use, so you can add it to iced coffee too. I picked it up, and immediately noticed the oxo pour-topper with a small lever on the side. Not thinking much of it, I turned the bottle to pour, and noticed that the syrup was coming out at quite the slow rate. Of course, being curious if it was supposed to flow like this, I figured I’d give the lever a try. I pulled on it, which seemed to slow down the pour to a standstill. Ok…wrong direction. That’s when I tried the other direction (pushing forward).

bad idea.

You see, I never would have, in a million years, thought that by pushing on the lever upward, it would loosen the topper. Or pop off the topper. Or hurl the topper right into my coffee. Or pour the bottle’s remaining simple syrup all over their cream/sugar table. You see, this hadn’t really occurred to me. So I pushed on the lever. And it all happened in sloooowww moooottttiiiioooonnn.

Have you ever seen something bad unfold before your eyes? You know it’s going to be bad, and while it’s playing in slow motion, a million thoughts are playing through your head – uh-oh, what now? Do I make a play for the door? Do I fish out the topper? Do I admit to my wrong doing?? As I played all of these questions through my head, the topper plops into my coffee and a deluge of simple syrup is unleashing itself all over the tabletop.

ahh fiddlesticks…

I quickly reach for the paper towels as I notice out of the corner of my eyes that a barista is walking over – the same barista with the stern face earlier, who frowns at the thought of cream and sugar adulterating the perfectly crafted cup of coffee – she is walking over with a towel and she does not appear to be happy. I quietly ask for a spoon to rescue the overboard topper from my cup and I wipe off the countertop with the towel she brings. She gets the topper from me and says I think it’s safe to say you’re no longer allowed to come back…but then she half smiles and walks away, presumably desperately trying to hold in her laughter as, really, what kind of yahoo pours an entire bottle of simple syrup onto the table in a crowded coffee shop??

Of course, me being the simpleminded guy that I am, can’t really read the barista…was she serious that I was banned?! Or was it a joke? *sigh* I guess I’ll find out when I try to go back. What’s the worse they could do??