don't lie to your kids.

*disclaimer* the post below consists of 90% fiction, 5% truth, and 5% punctuation. Also, I am the last person on earth that should be giving advice about kids, but hey, it’s a slow day…

I will, of course, admit that there's much in this world that perplexes me (sometimes a little too much). Many things that, if I were to explain to my kids years from now, I would be at a loss. Of course, being me, I would likely make up something extremely convincing and completely wrong to tell them and then go look it up afterwards.

Of course, not wanting to look dumb in front of your kid weighs heavily on any dad, so the solution is simple. Normally, I would advocate truth and honesty in a child-rearing situation. But this is a pivotal event in a father/son relationship. The answer you supply and the manner you deliver it will determine whether your child will respect you or not going forward. If executed right, your child will think you’re awesome. Stammer and fumble your way through the explanation or tell them you don't know, and your child will wish Mister Rogers was their dad.

Simply put, lie and lie till your pants are on fire.

For example, one of the questions many kids will ask (apparently) when they don't want to go to sleep is "daddy, why is the sky blue?" Of course, this is one of the first things they teach you as an econ major at Davis. The sky is blue because the edge of the atmospheric bubble that we live in creates a giant mirror, and is reflecting the blue in the ocean. I would probably follow that up with "for example, the sky in oklahoma is brown". Since I'm asian and our people naturally gravitate towards the coasts, I could easily get away with that one.

A tougher one would likely be, “daddy, why are you making a funny face in your driver’s license picture?” Yes, this will inevitably come up, and when it does, I must have a super-duper convincing explanation for why the DMV requires this. Apparently it’s a sort of field sobriety test. Sad people drink to drown their sorrows. Since they’re sad, they can’t make happy faces. If you get pulled over with a happy face, you’re not driving drunk. Of course, when sober people get pulled over, they’re always smiling. Moral of the story, always smile at a cop.

Of course here’s one that my father told me (I didn’t realize till much later). When my son asks me if he can get a dog (which I’m pretty sure he will), I must calmly explain to him that dogs are essentially specially trained domesticated wolves, and that they act like your friend and hold in their poop indoors to gain your confidence. Then when the time is right, they’ll eat you. Yes, your boy will believe that pretty much up until when they go off to college (±10 years).

Ok at this point I’m gonna stop, partly because I’m bored, and partly because my Pinocchio nose just went through the monitor. I guess I have to write something nice at the end to bring my blog karma back into the positive.

Don’t lie to your kids (it stunts your growth). Have a good weekend.